Today

There are definitely two sides to me. One which smiles, cracks jokes, says everything is fine and mostly believes it.

Then there is the times when i struggle to be in a room with people, finishing work and feeling so drained and empty and needing to be b on my own and not talk or listen.
Sad and reflective on the marriage that is no more. Remembering the good times filled with love, laughs, passion, dreams. Angry that it was so quickly lost. Angry that my dreams have been cut short. Angry that i have to adult and do the right thing.

Looking at photos on my phone and not ready to delete them. So many memories, so many good times. My heart starts to ache and long for the wife i left on the other side of the world.

And as soon as my heart feels that, my eyes fill with tears at the Jekyll and Hyde aspect of our relationship. The words, the hurt, the threats, the lack of intimacy or physical connection. And the intense sadness that I never got to lay next to my wife or kiss her for the last time.

The last 2 years have felt like a horrible, cruel joke today.