The Closure

When I first met you we where both happy and it was a wild and crazy adventure. You where in a job you loved, you where playing derby, life for you was good. We where getting to know each other and there was nothing that came up that made us shy away from each other.

When I came over for the first 3 months we fought. And yes some of it was about your daughter. I told you all the way back then I wanted us to be a family. I made it clear what I wanted. I suppose you made it clear where you stood. I hoped that would change.

We applied for a visa to get married, I had quit my job and rented my house out. When I left I slept on peoples couches, lived with my sister, helping her out with some issues she was facing.

I paid for ALL of the visa. I didn’t have any money coming in. Not 1 cent. But I sold things, and paid for the next processes as they came along. You where still working full time. You didn’t once send me money for these processes.

I came back for 3 months and again I told you when I came I didn’t have any money and couldn’t afford it. I gave up a job that could have seen me save $10,000 for us, but you said you missed me too much and we agreed I would come back. I spent $7000 on my credit card that time I was here. Even when I didn’t have 1 cent to my name, and told you that I had no money. I didn’t buy anything nice for myself, no clothes, no shoes. I put money towards living in Houston.

I went home in serious debt, and had no idea how I would pay it of. So I started selling everything I could. I found a new home for my dogs, sold my car, everything. I had to go to Sydney for the final interview. I told you I had no money, but still I paid for an airflight, a hotel room and the visa.

You didn’t even call me after the interview. The interview that would see US being together and getting married. I called you but you where busy working you couldn’t talk. You didn’t make time for us to enjoy this moment together. You promised me when your tax came through you would put the $1200 towards it. It would be through the end of January.

I contacted you when our package arrived from Sydney. I tried messenging you and you didn’t reply. I tried calling and you didn’t answer. And when I finally got through you said you had seen it on facebook and didn’t understand what the big deal was. DIDN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCKING BIG DEAL WAS?????

That 4 months we where apart was terrible – we fought so much, we lost connections. I kept asking you about your tax money. You kept saying it hadn’t come through. Between telling me to never come back, and then begging me to come back, I decided that if I didn’t fly out to see you soon the relationship would be over. It was already seriously crumbling.

You where going out most nights getting heavily intoxicated, calling me saying you had got in to fights, covered in cuts and bruises, not knowing where you where. Putting photos up on social media drapped over people and not wearing your ring.  You said you had hives. I didn’t believe you because when I first gave you that ring, October 2014, you still suffered with hives and you never not wore it because of that. January 2016 suddenly you couldn’t wear it? It was an excuse I never believed, but I let it go.

You told me just after we put our original papers in February 2015 that you would buy  me an engagement ring, I said I wanted a cheap simple silver one. I only got that ring end of April 2016. And it was a simple silver one. But 14 months later??

So I fly over to surprise you. Yes I shouldn’t have done that, I know now. But the first words you said to me was “what the fuck are you doing here”. I said to myself before I left Perth, my life, my family, my friends, my whole existence, that if you weren’t happy to see me the night I arrived I would have my answer as to whether I would marry you and stay.

In my head it screamed leave, over the noise of my heart breaking at your response. I stayed. Within a week I was told you had slept with him. And the debarcle and web of deceit and lies really begun. I also continued to ask you about the tax money – and you kept saying you had no idea where it was and you where following it up.

4 months later it turns out that we have had police called to the property – yes that was my fault because of my loud outburst, WE have been investigated by CPS, your daughter, him and other people have confirmed you have had sex with a man when I was in Australia. Your tax money went into your account 11th February. You continually tell me that it hasn’t and you don’t know where it is. You spent the money I raised for our new plot of paperwork, that was to go towards fees for getting my degree recognized so I could work as a social worker. You promised me you wouldn’t spend it. When I asked you about it you casually said you had to spend it because you had to pay for rent and food.

NOT ONCE did you sit me down and have a conversation about being broke and that you would need to use some of that money. NOT ONCE did you think it was a good idea, but you decided to break your promise and do as you wish.

I went to San Antonio and things went ok for a little while when I returned but quickly went back to how they where. Toxic and dysfunctional. I told you what I wanted and needed. You told me how it was going to be. I asked you to change, you told me this is how it was.

So I book into therapy to work out how I can be part of your family with all of the lies, deciept, lack of trust, manipulation and games. I left again because life in the house was horrible, and I was pet sitting, and thought it would be good to have some breathing space. In the middle of an investigation, and it was horrible to live at your house when you refused to listen the impact it was having on me. It had nothing it do with me you said. So again I left for 3 weeks. Yes you said I could come home but nothing was going to change. So I had to lump it and bear it.

My wife allows me to move out, knowing I have NO MONEY, KNOWING THE IMPACT OF ALL THIS IS HAVING ON ME, and all she can say when I write her letter of what I think needs to happen for us to salvage this relationship – all you say is Its too late your daughter and you have spoke everything is great between you two, Lance says not to go over it, so if you want to come back come back.

You trusted a complete stranger who you have known for 2 minutes, who gives you advice, than YOUR WIFE who is telling you the impact this has had on her and begs you to have a conversation, which you refuse! You refuse my feelings, you refuse to respect me or us, and refuse to even acknowledge anything about me.

So let me get this straight. I gave up my whole life, family, friends, my dogs, my home, my job, my existence. Pay for the whole visa process $4,000 whilst being unemployed and sleeping on couches. Allow my sister to pay off my debts that I had incurred to do this because my  FIANCE could not give me 1 cent, and I was about to relapse back into hospital.

Come back to find out my wife to be has cheated on me and refuses to acknowledge and be honest with me, even though I repeatedly begged her, and the man she fucked admitted it and her daughter walked in and saw you in the action of being fucked.

You continue to LIE about the tax money that you where supposed to give me, $1200 towards the visa, so I could give it back to my brother who loaned me the airfare money. I promised him, because you promised me you would give it to me, that when she owes me the money for the visa I can repay you. You have spent the money. I know this, its gone – and instead of you being honest about it, having a conversation with me about it – you continue to lie.

I went to therapy to try and change to fit into your life and make it easier for everyone, particularly your daughter, and I have asked and begged you to make changes in that letter I wrote, and you haven’t done ANYTHING.

And now that I have made the decision that I value myself, I value my worth, my feelings, my health and have said enough is enough, I can no longer try and give, give, give I am supposed to believe and trust that things will be different? Im sorry but the trust and belief is gone. I no longer have it.

You say you love me, but what I have described and experienced is not love. It may be love to you, and this is maybe how your relationships are. But it is not love to me and I will not stay in a relationship where this is the bench mark and warped view of what love is. You say that we are married and I cant leave.

Well I am leaving. I am going home to be surrounded by love and to heal, and try and work out where all these broken pieces of myself are so I can slowly start putting them back together.

I gave you over 2 years. I gave you absolutely everything of me, financially, physically, emotionally and mentally. I am beaten, and I am done.

If you really mean what you say in your texts, then put it into action. Start making the changes. Start being honest with yourself first. If you really want this then work towards getting what it is that you want. I sacrificed EVERYTHING for you.

Now its your turn. We will still be married. I am leaving for Australia. But until you can give me what it is that I need in a relationship and marriage, then its over. I don’t want you or us like this. But who knows what the future brings, and maybe this will push you to make the changes you  desperately need if you want to be in a relationship with someone like me.