Not waving, drowning

I only ever wanted to be part of your family - you and your daughter. Leaving everything in Australia and coming over here to marry you I wanted to create my new family with you both. You where all I had. I made the choice to leave home, because you where all I wanted, you where my new life, my new home, my new family.

I wish you had let me be part of that family.I wish that you had let me be involved with handling the conflicts we had as a family from when I arrived in February. I continually asked you that I wanted to be involved and how it would make me feel to be involved. I still don't understand why I was kept away from that. I wrote you a letter

 telling you what I needed and wanted. The things I mentioned where the only way I saw us in moving forward. We didn't even talk about this. You didn't even tell me if what I suggested was plausible, or offer alternatives. 

I came back even though I said if we didn't make those changes, I wouldn't. I came back because I loved you, that I still wanted us. We still didn't talk. And whenever we did it just seem to end in arguments. We where so bad at communicating, neither of us feeling heard or understood. We never prioritised that. We didn't prioritise our relationship, our marriage, each other. For me it was the only thing that was important - I had nothing else. No job, no idea if I would get a visa and no idea about the future. I needed for us to work and prioritise our relationship to give me hope.

 We didn't, and the cycle that we probably both felt, continued. I was at the stage where there was nothing else I could do. I had nothing else to give. I had already given and given up everything. How many times do we tell each other we aren't being understood, heard and respected?

 My goal in life was to grow old with you, start my new life with you and your child in Houston. I will fly home with nothing, a completely destroyed heart, and a pain that will take so very long to diminish. I will have to start again, but I will never be the same. A huge part of me died when I left on Saturday. And that will never regrow.

 Find the person who can compliment you. Find the person who understands you and adores you and loves you. I am sorry my love was not enough for you. I wish you all the best for whatever your future holds, and I wish you nothing negative. I need to navigate my path ahead, and how to survive when I am feeling like I am drowning.