Divorced

You fucking lezzo,pathetic,dumb cunt. 

You delusional fucking cunt

Look at your fucking pathetic personal life that has always been pathetic.

Rewind 20 years. Same venom. But a few more.

You dumb fucking bitch. You think you are so smart because of your fucking degree, I know hundreds of women who are fucking smarter than you. You are fucking nothing.

Rewind 14 years.

12 year old sitting in her parents walk in clothes robe. The feeling of the softest white shag carpet under her feet. She remembers how soft it is and how white it is. And how much of a mess it will make. Sitting on the stool that her parents use every day to put on their shoes. Leaning back in the clothes so her upper body is disguised. The taste of cold metal in her mouth and the full awareness that this is truly the end, there is no coming back. The taste of metal that is still present in her mouth, everyday, 33 years later. Balancing the barrel in between her teeth and resting it on her tongue she uses the big toe of her right foot to step on the trigger.

She closes her eyes and presses down.

Nothing. She presses down again. Nothing. She comes out of the clothes, takes the bullet out, places it ever so carefully back into the box, sitting on the 2nd shelf from the top, and pulls another one out.

Reloads the rifle, sits back on the stool, covers her upper body with the clothes hanging on her fathers side, and again presses her big toe on the trigger. Nothing.

Snot runs down into her mouth, tears falling down her cheeks, and the voice in her head telling her she is fucking useless that she cant even do this right.

She packs everything back up with meticulous detail, so no-one will know she has ever been there. She rubs the pile on the carpet the way it was when she first walked in, so no footprints show. She walks back to her bedroom punching herself in the head, telling herself she is fucking useless, closes the door. Walks over to the wardrobe and continues smashing her head against it.

The man who is with my mother is not someone who I will ever call father. He isn't. He was a young man, middle aged man, and now 72 year old man who continues to spew his insults, demean and degrade, and violate the person standing in front of him who is legally his step daughter. He is a horrendous, narcisstic, asshole who gets great pleasure and power by belittling and abusing the women around him.

I am 45, my sister is 47. He came into our lives after my real father was killed. He is the only "father" we have known for 42 years. He has been controlling, verbally, and emotionally abusive for as long as I can remember. My sister moved out at 15 years of age because she could no longer tolerate him and his ways. I first tried to kill myself at 12 years of age, because of the way he treated me, and because I honestly believed death would be a happier place. I tried again at 15, and again failed. I moved out the day I turned 16.5.

What started out as a family dinner for my nieces 11th birthday at their house, to a discussion about my brother having more physical input into the cafe for the third of a percentage of profit he takes, spiralled viciously out of control.

He yelled these words in front of an 11 year old child. Who went to the bathroom and was heaving and sobbing. He demanded a thankyou for the $40,000 HE put into a trust for my sister. HE demanded a thankyou that he did this and didn't ask for any of it or spend it.
This was the money that the WA Police Force set aside for my sister and I as compensation for our father being killed. HE wanted us to thank him for not spending the money, of a dead mans children, that where not his.

HE wanted us to thank him for going out and driving a bus everyday, and buying food with his money, and putting food on the table for us to eat. We owed HIM a thankyou.

His last words where - "You fucking cunt you are divorced from me from this day. You are nothing"

I thanked him and said Good. You will die a very lonely old man. You are already dead to me,and you where never my father.

Today I cried an ocean. I cried an ocean for the little Corrine inside who broke a little bit more. The little Corrine who knew those words all too well from the man she called Dad.

The adult Corrine didn't cry for herself. She stopped loving him 20 odd years ago. She tolerated him for her mothers sake. He was a horrendous, narcissistic, abusive asshole. He still is. And the next tears I will cry for him, will be tears of joy at his funeral.