Leaving wasn’t an easy decision to do. To be honest my heart is beyond broken, it is shattered. There have been too many significant things that have happened since I arrived that have built a platform for our current situation.
Trust has been lost, and I will own that. You want me to believe you but I cannot. There is too much that is pointing in the opposite way. His confession confirmed it, he has nothing to lose or gain by telling me. On the other hand you have a wife to lose. As I have always said it isn’t the act that has concerned me, but my perception of the inability to be honest. However you have said you are being honest. That is something we just wont agree on.
My perception of your lack of concern, understanding and empathy regarding many situations that have impacted on me. And in particularly the CPS investigation currently and the serious impact on my life. You say you understand but your actions and behavior continually say something else. This isn’t new, we have spoken about this for a long time now, and regardless of how I tell you it impacts on me, nothing changes.
My take on it is that you are doing the best you can. The behavior you have developed over your whole life in order to survive, all impact on the way you view the world, relate to others, see yourself and live your everyday existence. I totally get it and it is understandable.
I honestly believe you are not at a stage to acknowledge the impact this has had on your life. I have tried since August 2014 to encourage you to see a therapist for support. Or maybe it was before that, I don’t remember. Since I have been here, within the first 6 weeks you cut your self significantly. I have returned home twice to see you so inebriated, on the bed, or in the bathroom, covered in blood, and the sheets covered in blood and you pulling your wounds open wider. I have cleaned them up, used steri strips to close the wounds, changed the sheets and put you to bed because you have refused to go to a doctor to get stitched up. Even after those incidents we haven’t sat down after to discuss what happened and how it affected both of us. Your pain and my pain at seeing the woman I love carve herself up.
Cutting is your coping strategy to feel. I get it. But it is not a healthy way of coping. It is not something you can continue. It is something you need help with, and you need support in understanding what caused you to cut. You need to learn positive coping skills and build your emotional maturity. Pulling your hair is also self-harm, and even though you haven’t done it for ages, you venomly deny this is self-harm. You denying this as an act of self-harm is your choice. It is self-harm whether you admit it or not. Which I can only interrupt as where you are at your willingness to make positive changes around that behavior.
I have said a few times over the last 8 months that there has been domestic violence in our relationship. You laugh and disagree. You have told me that you don’t hit me, and I have told you that domestic violence is not just physical abuse.
As I’ve repeatedly said domestic violence can be physical, emotional, psychological, financial, or sexual. Emotional abuse involves the destruction of a person’s self-worth, and is brought about by persistent insult, humiliation, or criticism. I have told you a few times since I have been here that I am a shell of my former self. Many of our fights from the start have been about Serena. In those times, and most recently, you have insulted me and my sensitivity – so much so that many times when I have asked you a question your first response is an exasperated “What now” “You are always so negative” “I cant even go without a day without you bringing something up negative” Your blocking of our conversation, whether over messages or face to face has been consistent for
about a year. You have aggressively told me that I do not know anything, that I have absolutely no right to say anything about Serena and how you parent her as I have never been a parent and therefore I cannot make comment. I have told you how much that has hurt me, especially when I went through IVF for 3 years and desperately wanted children. But you continually say that even when I have told you how much it hurts for you to say those things. You have told me that I would have to be the worst social worker you have ever meant, and that the way I respond to you and Serena proves how bad I am at my job, and you don’t know how I could ever have got a job, and that’s why I had to leave my hospital job in Australia. I have responded badly in fights to you and Serena, and yes I will own that. But attacking me personally and professionally was beyond anything I have said to you, and what I deserved.
Whenever I have had any involvement with your child or how I do things you have persistently criticized me and put me down. This has been emphasized in the current situation. Another example is your shutting down to communication by repeated statements of “it’s your choice, I have no control over you” etc etc. You generally say this after an argument where you have acted out aggressively, hurt me with your words and then stop communicating by saying it’s my decision. You are unable to reflect, have insight, about your behavior and how it inadvertley pushed me to a point where I have no choice. Because you don’t have this insight, saying Well its your choice, is manipulative, lacking responsibility and reverting back to a child so you can say in your own head “Well I didn’t do anything wrong. I talked to her like she wanted, but she didn’t like what I said, so it’s her choice” A complete lack of responsibility for your part is ongoingly significant and emotionally abusive.
Psychological abuse is also linked in with emotional abuse and includes preventing me from talking to other people and requiring permission from you to do this.
A good example is from the beginning of when I got here and I was told you where having sex with him. Also when your daughter called 911 and accused us both of physical abuse. I wanted to deal with it in a proactive way and speak with her to find out why she would come up with these stories. I also wanted to talk with your Mum when she came to get your daughter and tell her what was going on so she was able to hear another side to the story. I also wanted to talk with him about what went on. All of those times you refused to allow me to do that, even though I told you how all of these situation involved me and had a huge impact on me, you refused to allow me to work it out in a way that was respectful to myself and my healing. You told me you would handle it, and I had no right to say anything. Your way of handling it has led to CPS being involved, and my desires to sort conflict out, to be continually ignored and minimized.
I also feel you have been financially controlling since I have returned. A prime example is the lack of financial contribution to the whole visa process. The money you owe for that which has been passively followed up since I have asked about it in January, and your annoyance that I ask and your response is there is nothing you can do. You have not been open and honest regarding this, and therefore I take it into my own hands to find out some more.
Because I have no access to money and I am completely dependant on you and at your mercy of what you will provide.
Since I left to go to San Antonio, you lost some people in your life, but I gained some friends and support. Ever since then you have 90% of the time made digs about me spending time with them, you have made it extremely uncomfortable for me to have my own space and spend time with them without feeling immense guilt and extremely uncomfortable. It has even been in those times where I have come home and you have been intoxicated and have had self harmed whilst I was out. That is extremely manipulative and controlling behavior to do in response to me going out for a couple of hours to have some space. You use it as a punishment and a guilt trip for leaving the house. You wont see it as this, but it is exactly what it is. Your response to me going out and spending time with other people, has made it so uncomfortable for me to enjoy, the emotional blackmail about not wanting to spend time with you, literally just makes me want to spend less and less time around you.
Even though you wont see any of this abusive, and will believe that I am once again over reacting, and that I continually tell you how bad you are and how I only ever bring out the negative things that you do, and I cannot name any positive things about you in the last 3 months, this just highlights again to me your inability to have insight into the last 3 months from anyone else’s perspective but your own. If you where able to wholly look back at the last 3 months through my eyes, you would see clearly that there isn’t much positive that has happened. I used to think that maybe I was going crazy and maybe I was seeing it all wrong.
However too many people who have known you, or only met you once, when we have gone out as a couple, have noticed and commented regularly on the way you have spoken to me, how you have interacted, and how you have behaved. I know now that I am not going crazy because I am not the only one.
Yes I left today, because I needed space. I needed to protect myself physically, emotionally and mentally. I am taking responsibility for my future and finally have made the decision to put that first. It has been suggested from a legal perspective this is the best option for me at the moment. To remove myself from the family home, but to be still be involved with the CPS investigation. As I said a few days ago I do not think or expect things to change over night. I think it will take years for changes to happen, and for you to be in a more positive, mature and positive controlling space in your life.
You are the only one that can make the changes if you want a different outcome. I cannot do that for you, no one can. You need to take responsibility for your life in every aspect. It is time to deal with your past, learn new ways of coping, forgive yourself, love yourself and live the life you want and deserve.
I can support you in that process. I can take responsibility for my part in everything I have done, how I interact with you and how I be your wife. I am willing to do that. However you need to decide if you are ready to do that. I cannot go back and live like we are. I deserve more than that, I deserve to be happy, and I deserve to be loved in a caring and respectful way. I will not settle for any less than that. If this is to be my goodbye letter, I leave knowing I have said what I need to. And I say this because I love you and deeply care for you and where your life leads. The outcome is soley your choice, its up to you now
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