Do you think People have wild passionate love? Great question that could have been answered as a reaction with a quick Fuck no coming from the space of a broken, bruised, and burnt heart. 6 months ago it would have been my answer without a second thought.

Maybe I still slightly believe it if I am protecting that space in the middle of my chest...But I can only fool myself for so long, until the answer has to be I really fucking hope so...otherwise what is the point of breathing?

I replied pretty quickly with that, and as I lament on that response whilst walking ankle deep in duck shit and mud, I say to myself - It is actually true. What is the point of living and moving forward if I don't believe in love? Or that somewhere, someone out there exists that I am able to love the way I want and they need. If I whole bodily believe that there isn't a wild passionate love out there to meet my romantic soul and heart, then why do I wake up every morning?

Which then took me on a different tangent of those that I have loved. Partners, lovers, strangers, friends, family, acquantices, coworkers, husbands, wives... Definetely a pattern, and definitely coming from a place of the desire that is held to desperately be loved and choosing those that are unavailable to love in return or unavailable, which fulfills the schema of being unloveable…

But then there is the secret, quiet, from a distant love..The love that is developed and born over time. The slow, silent, unconditional, dark and light love that is never spoken off but it wells inside at certain interactions. I believe we all have it, some dismiss it quickly with a "eew" response when they talk to themselves within the cranium, then there are those that let it sit and watch where it goes through the rivers of the arteries that send blood to our 2 most important organs that tell us that we are attracted in some way to another.

And like patient paddlers, waiting for the current to change over an outcrop that would suck you into a vortex and trap you underneath a branch, whilst looking up at the blue sky with the water filling your lungs, you watch where it goes.

Like the boulders down stream, you wonder if it is worth the risk of launching off with the strength you still have in your upper body, and making it through the other end, or wait for the river to slow and take the far left option and miss the thrill of the unknown. Where you know every outline of their jaw bone and twitch in their ear when they recall a story or moment that impacted them in some way, or  their neck flushes from the left to the right when they speak of their passion, or the way they twirl their hair which indicates the uncertainty in a decision, or the crossing of arms and looking off into space when they are feeling vulnerable and don't finish their sentence.

There have been I think 3 occasions where I have totally got out, pulled the kayak to the side, and watch the water traverse through over the granite whilst you marvel at the beauty and bravery of other paddlers going before you, whilst you safely watch from the sides.

Is this living? Is this staying in comfort zones? Is this being smart? When you have lived your life with pushing the What If's? you ponder the thought of getting your toes wet again....Or do you marvel of the warmth and comfort that dry feet bring.

All this whilst duck shit and mud are getting into your socks and running down to your toes... Fucking love/lust/love.

From the moment you walked in I was intrigued.

You spoke with your eyes and listened with an intent of genuine interest.

You where open and kind and extended this by simple acts that did not go unnoticed.

I noticed the softness and pureness of your skin and how the colours jumped out like a painting demanding to be noticed

The length of your hair that fell down your back and hugged your curves 

I wondered what your lips felt like and whether the red lipstick would stain mine if I kissed them

Being in your presence was melting the harshness I had worn as a protective suit for a while

It frightened me tremendously, and made me shrink into the shadows I had been comfortable in

The memories I held onto had caged me and my experiences felt like a sentence that I deserved.

With a touch of your hand, a caress of your mouth you awoke my body to consider that I could be wanted and want another again.

I cannot be with you, and I do not expect to be. We are circling our paths on different journeys that lead us in opposite directions.

But I know what I would like, before this path is widened by 10, 578 miles

I want to see your eyes light up when you smile 

I want to hear more about your hopes, your dreams and your future

I want to know and hear more of your story.

I want to spend time in your company. I want to keep cracking open the armor that I wear. 

I want to trace your skin with my fingers extremely slowly and lightly to take every millimeter of you in.

I want to feel you pressed against me, with nothing between us as our curves blend with the other

I want to feel your skin on mine. I want to hold your face in my hands whilst I kiss you slowly but deeply.

I want to see you with the lights on, every part of you. I want to do this sober. I want you to be my last magnificent memory of being here.

I want you to be the woman who freed me and guided me on my way.

I selfishly want you, before I go....